I've been incredibly social lately. I've been hanging out with friends nearly every night and having a great time. I've been drinking less than I expected, which is good. Shows I do have some impulse control. I've been having a great time. I've been reconnecting with people that I've neglected. It's nice that they haven't told me to go away. It's been nice.
Except, it's a mask. It's a lie. I am legitimately afraid to stay at home and stay in my head. I'm scared of what I might do if I am left to my own devices. I've suffered so much loss in this last month. I lost a friend. I lost a pet I've had for 12 years. I've lost my Grandpa. And because of that, I'm lost. I was blessed to live 23 years without suffering a real loss, and then it's all just dropped on me, on my family. I have to look strong so my family can cry. But I'm not strong. I walk around in a haze. I feel numb, I feel like I need to just cry. But I can't.
If I were alone in this situation, I would have swallowed the barrel already. But I have to be strong.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Superpowered Feelings
My Superpower:
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and she told me I had a superpower. The way I understand people and the way I am conscious of relationship dynamics really impressed her. I've always been told through conversation and pop-culture that people are complicated. People are constantly confused by their peers. They don't seem to understand other peoples' motives and have a hard time deciphering lies. People have a hard time understanding defense mechanisms and when they're being used.
Except: I understand these things. I have always been a very observant person, and it would surprise you [whoever you are] how easy people are to understand if you just pay attention. It's not just body language, but understanding shifting tones in someone's voice. Seeing the way their eyes shift. The way they structure sentences and statements. Which questions they ask, and when they're deflecting a conversation. A lot of people prefer to have serious conversations in person, because that makes it easier to SEE lies and defense mechanisms. That doesn't matter to me. I know when people are lying to me even if we're just texting. I know when people are using defense mechanisms.
It's really hard to explain. My aforementioned friend told me that she loves talking to me because I have great insight. She told me that I seem to have life experience far past my years. I don't know if that's true, but I just GET people.
There is a downside to this super-power though. It makes it incredibly hard to sustain meaningful relationships. My longest relationship with a woman lasted less than 6 months. I have a revolving door of personal relationships with friends. I've known my closest friends for roughly 4 years. I have a few childhood friends, but they're basically just acquaintances at this point. This happens because I know when I'm being lied to. I know when my friends are bullshitting me.
This superpower makes me an insufferable prick. I have to pick and choose when a lie is a big enough deal to get upset with. It would surprise you how much people actually lie. Mostly just little white lies. Not meant to cause harm. Not meant to hurt anyone. I've never met someone who was completely honest with me, and that makes it hard for me to be social. People wonder why I'm a hermit? It's because I hate being around people. I hate having to smile and nod through bullshit. I hate having friends who tell a thousand lies a minute.
I wish, every single day, that I wasn't so observant. I wish, every single day, that I could be more oblivious. I would swallow kryptonite if it would kill this part of me. It's nearly impossible for me to trust people. And when I do trust someone, it's a shallow trust. I trust them not to be dishonest about things that matter. I can see through people's thin-veils, and I wish every day that I couldn't. I hate seeing people struggle with other people. I hate that I know I shouldn't tell my friends when they're being played, because they prefer to live in a world where they don't see the manipulative and deceiving nature of others. I wish I couldn't see these things. I wish I didn't know when people close to me where lying or deflecting conversation to avoid telling me the secret that I'd already deduced. I fucking hate it.
How Am I Supposed To Feel?
Just a quick rant about something that's been pissing me off lately: I'm tired of people telling me how I should feel right now, and how I should act. I'm tired of people telling me that I should cut Maurissa out of my life. I'm tired of people telling me that it's stupid to try to be her friend. I wish I had someone that was just willing to listen, instead of spout off bullshit. I'm tired of people telling me that we didn't date for very long, and that it's stupid that I'm as down as I am. I know we didn't date for long, but I've known her for about a year, and we've been close for quite a while. People don't understand that I don't hurt because we broke up. I hurt because our friendship isn't the same as it was, and probably never will be. I hurt because I listened to my dick instead of my brain. I don't regret what I had with Maurissa, but I think I would trade it for the friendship I've lost.
People need to stop telling me what to do. I need to navigate this on my own. I don't open up because I want advice or for people to hate Maurissa. I open up, because Maurissa convinced me that bottling all this raw emotion would be bad for me. I open up, because shoving it all down turns me into a powder keg, ready to blow. I have to be open. I suppose I just need to find someone that I can be open with.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and she told me I had a superpower. The way I understand people and the way I am conscious of relationship dynamics really impressed her. I've always been told through conversation and pop-culture that people are complicated. People are constantly confused by their peers. They don't seem to understand other peoples' motives and have a hard time deciphering lies. People have a hard time understanding defense mechanisms and when they're being used.
Except: I understand these things. I have always been a very observant person, and it would surprise you [whoever you are] how easy people are to understand if you just pay attention. It's not just body language, but understanding shifting tones in someone's voice. Seeing the way their eyes shift. The way they structure sentences and statements. Which questions they ask, and when they're deflecting a conversation. A lot of people prefer to have serious conversations in person, because that makes it easier to SEE lies and defense mechanisms. That doesn't matter to me. I know when people are lying to me even if we're just texting. I know when people are using defense mechanisms.
It's really hard to explain. My aforementioned friend told me that she loves talking to me because I have great insight. She told me that I seem to have life experience far past my years. I don't know if that's true, but I just GET people.
There is a downside to this super-power though. It makes it incredibly hard to sustain meaningful relationships. My longest relationship with a woman lasted less than 6 months. I have a revolving door of personal relationships with friends. I've known my closest friends for roughly 4 years. I have a few childhood friends, but they're basically just acquaintances at this point. This happens because I know when I'm being lied to. I know when my friends are bullshitting me.
This superpower makes me an insufferable prick. I have to pick and choose when a lie is a big enough deal to get upset with. It would surprise you how much people actually lie. Mostly just little white lies. Not meant to cause harm. Not meant to hurt anyone. I've never met someone who was completely honest with me, and that makes it hard for me to be social. People wonder why I'm a hermit? It's because I hate being around people. I hate having to smile and nod through bullshit. I hate having friends who tell a thousand lies a minute.
I wish, every single day, that I wasn't so observant. I wish, every single day, that I could be more oblivious. I would swallow kryptonite if it would kill this part of me. It's nearly impossible for me to trust people. And when I do trust someone, it's a shallow trust. I trust them not to be dishonest about things that matter. I can see through people's thin-veils, and I wish every day that I couldn't. I hate seeing people struggle with other people. I hate that I know I shouldn't tell my friends when they're being played, because they prefer to live in a world where they don't see the manipulative and deceiving nature of others. I wish I couldn't see these things. I wish I didn't know when people close to me where lying or deflecting conversation to avoid telling me the secret that I'd already deduced. I fucking hate it.
How Am I Supposed To Feel?
Just a quick rant about something that's been pissing me off lately: I'm tired of people telling me how I should feel right now, and how I should act. I'm tired of people telling me that I should cut Maurissa out of my life. I'm tired of people telling me that it's stupid to try to be her friend. I wish I had someone that was just willing to listen, instead of spout off bullshit. I'm tired of people telling me that we didn't date for very long, and that it's stupid that I'm as down as I am. I know we didn't date for long, but I've known her for about a year, and we've been close for quite a while. People don't understand that I don't hurt because we broke up. I hurt because our friendship isn't the same as it was, and probably never will be. I hurt because I listened to my dick instead of my brain. I don't regret what I had with Maurissa, but I think I would trade it for the friendship I've lost.
People need to stop telling me what to do. I need to navigate this on my own. I don't open up because I want advice or for people to hate Maurissa. I open up, because Maurissa convinced me that bottling all this raw emotion would be bad for me. I open up, because shoving it all down turns me into a powder keg, ready to blow. I have to be open. I suppose I just need to find someone that I can be open with.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Options
I have two options:
- Cut Maurissa out of my life.
- Try to be friends with Maurissa.
This seems like a perfectly natural thing to do, for me anyway. If I cut her out of my life, my recovery will be faster. It will be easier, and I will be able to move on and stop feeling so shitty all the time. There isn't much to say about it, really. It's the easy way to do things. What should I care? She's leaving anyway. First, back home to NoVa, and then New York or LA after that. Being her friend only leads to her leaving.
Option Two: Try To Be Friends With Maurissa
This is the hard one. It's not so natural for me. This one will hurt. She wants to be friends. She wants me to be able to hang out and just act normal. That is not comfortable for me. She doesn't understand that seeing her will break my heart. That seeing her, and interacting with her will just constantly remind me why I fell in love with her in the first place. But there is an upside. If I step out of my comfort zone, I could potentially end up with a life-long, invaluable friend. I don't know why being friends has to be a long-term detriment. I don't know why I keep telling myself that being her friend in the long term just ends badly.
I think I want to try to be her friend. I think what I'm scared of is that the friendship doesn't work out. I don't know if I can handle losing her again. I don't know if I can handle working so hard for something that doesn't pan out. I don't know if I can handle any of this. It's just so confusing. I'm not used to being confused. I have an answer for everything.
But since I don't, I've turned to my friends. They aren't very helpful at all. Most of them tell me that I should try to be her friend. What's the harm in one more friend? But they don't really understand me. They don't understand how hard it is for me. Hell, Maurissa doesn't understand how hard it is for me, and no amount of explaining is helping her. In fact, it's just annoying her. She just wants me to be me. The problem is, I'm having a hard time remembering who I am, or at least who she thinks I am. Who she wants me to be. Should I be the "don't give a fuck" Christopher that was friends with her before we dated? Or should I be the "sweet, caring, rough around the edges" Christopher that she brought out? Both of those are part of me, but they exist separate from one another. I can't be both, and I don't know if I can be the second version anymore. I don't know if she ever really enjoyed the first version. She pushed me to change, which I think was a flaw. I should have noticed immediately when she pushed me. She wanted me to quit smoking, understandably. She wanted me to dress nicer and be more open and honest. I did the second half of that, I guess. Look where it got me?
I want to be her friend, because she's a genuinely awesome person. I really do care about her, even outside of the romance. I want to see her grow and reach her potential and be the amazing woman I know she can be.
I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can handle watching her life unfold from the sidelines.
I think, in her own way, she's hurting too. I think she is having trouble with all of this, but she won't tell me. She won't be honest about it. She wants to make it seem so natural for her. From lover to friend. That really bothers me. It makes me feel like what we had wasn't real to her.
And I don't think she understands how I work as a "friend". Everyone I call a friend, and that list is short, I consider a close, personal friend. I can't just be her friend in the capacity of just having small talk every once in a while. I can't just be her friend and get lunch once a month and "catch up" on the petty details of our lives. If I'm someone's friend, it means that I'm there. I'm there through Hell and back. I don't think she can reciprocate that. Shit, she gets annoyed or bored and stops sending text messages, for fuck's sake.
I don't know if I can handle being her friend. But most of all, I don't know if she can handle being MY friend.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Daddy/Hiatus/Hermit
Daddy:
My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things: How to make a fist, and how to use that fist to bring bodily harm. In the last few years, I've distanced myself from the guy I used to be. I'd get into fights. I'd look for fights. That's not really me anymore. I've decided to walk more on the side of nonviolence. Last night, I felt like that guy again. I went to the bar and some asshole knocked my beer out of my hand. I shoved him and was so ready to just beat the shit out of him. My brother calmed me down, got me another beer, and we went outside. The guy who did it came out with a round of shots for us. He wasn't looking for a fight, he was just having a good time and bumped into me. He was a pretty cool guy. Something awoke in me last night. I just wanted to hit, and get hit. I wanted to feel the rush and the pain. I wanted to feel someone break under my fist. I look at it now, and realize how misguided I was. I don't want that at all. I never want to feel that again. Because it feels good. And it scares me that it feels good. It makes me sick. My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things. I wish I could unlearn them both.
Hiatus:
I'm going to stop drinking. Probably for only a week. I'm passionate about beer. Drinking it, making it, talking about it, thinking about it... I love beer. But the last few nights, I've just gone out and gotten wasted. I know that it is a bad path. I've been here before. I know that it ends with nothing but illness and alcoholism. So, I have to stop, take some time and be sober. I need to have a clear head right now, because drinking it all away only makes it last longer. I've been trying to get out of my head, but I need to buckle down and tackle these issues.
Also have to stop drinking because I'm sick and tired of going to the shop and seeing all that God-forsaken Pumpkin bullshit. Fuck pumpkin.
All that said: I want to get back into brewing. Maybe make something with Sarah. I had an idea recently to brew a new-world beer with old-world brewing techniques. She loves the old-world techniques, and she makes interesting beer and mead. Maybe we can collaborate to make a truly unique beer. I'm excited at the prospect.
Hermit:
It's funny: I like being alone. People think it's weird that I don't go out much or don't go to parties. I hate social gatherings. I really do. Even if it's 20 people that I adore, put them in a room, and I hate them all. Except now, all I want to do is go out and hang out with people. I want to get out of the house and do things. I haven't had a night alone in a week. I'm having a good time. I'm sure it'll all come crashing down, and I'll end up being a hermit again. I am just so blessed. I don't have many friends, especially in Norfolk, but the ones I do have are always right there to hang out with. Maybe they can sense that I probably shouldn't be alone right now. I'm just so thankful for them, and I have a shitty way of showing it. I need to make it a point, even when I go back into hermit mode, to go out more often. Amanda is one of my closest, dearest friends. On average, I think I see her 4 times a year or so. It's unfathomable, considering she lives 15 minutes away. I need to go see her more.
My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things: How to make a fist, and how to use that fist to bring bodily harm. In the last few years, I've distanced myself from the guy I used to be. I'd get into fights. I'd look for fights. That's not really me anymore. I've decided to walk more on the side of nonviolence. Last night, I felt like that guy again. I went to the bar and some asshole knocked my beer out of my hand. I shoved him and was so ready to just beat the shit out of him. My brother calmed me down, got me another beer, and we went outside. The guy who did it came out with a round of shots for us. He wasn't looking for a fight, he was just having a good time and bumped into me. He was a pretty cool guy. Something awoke in me last night. I just wanted to hit, and get hit. I wanted to feel the rush and the pain. I wanted to feel someone break under my fist. I look at it now, and realize how misguided I was. I don't want that at all. I never want to feel that again. Because it feels good. And it scares me that it feels good. It makes me sick. My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things. I wish I could unlearn them both.
Hiatus:
I'm going to stop drinking. Probably for only a week. I'm passionate about beer. Drinking it, making it, talking about it, thinking about it... I love beer. But the last few nights, I've just gone out and gotten wasted. I know that it is a bad path. I've been here before. I know that it ends with nothing but illness and alcoholism. So, I have to stop, take some time and be sober. I need to have a clear head right now, because drinking it all away only makes it last longer. I've been trying to get out of my head, but I need to buckle down and tackle these issues.
Also have to stop drinking because I'm sick and tired of going to the shop and seeing all that God-forsaken Pumpkin bullshit. Fuck pumpkin.
All that said: I want to get back into brewing. Maybe make something with Sarah. I had an idea recently to brew a new-world beer with old-world brewing techniques. She loves the old-world techniques, and she makes interesting beer and mead. Maybe we can collaborate to make a truly unique beer. I'm excited at the prospect.
Hermit:
It's funny: I like being alone. People think it's weird that I don't go out much or don't go to parties. I hate social gatherings. I really do. Even if it's 20 people that I adore, put them in a room, and I hate them all. Except now, all I want to do is go out and hang out with people. I want to get out of the house and do things. I haven't had a night alone in a week. I'm having a good time. I'm sure it'll all come crashing down, and I'll end up being a hermit again. I am just so blessed. I don't have many friends, especially in Norfolk, but the ones I do have are always right there to hang out with. Maybe they can sense that I probably shouldn't be alone right now. I'm just so thankful for them, and I have a shitty way of showing it. I need to make it a point, even when I go back into hermit mode, to go out more often. Amanda is one of my closest, dearest friends. On average, I think I see her 4 times a year or so. It's unfathomable, considering she lives 15 minutes away. I need to go see her more.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
The Beginning
I've written out a new blog post, but I want to preface it by saying that I will no longer be deleting posts. This will be an active log and look into my head. I don't have any agenda or anything. I just want to be able to write, and come back to see it in the future.
Maurissa and I broke up. I felt it coming for a while before it happened, but I figured it was just me being insecure. The other morning, I got so irrationally angry at something so small and petty that I just told her that we were done. I wrote her something longer explaining my position, but the instant I sent it, I started to panic. I didn't want this to be over. I certainly didn't want it to be over through a text message, but the damage was done. I tried saying I was sorry, but I gave her space and time to think about it.
Later in the day, I thought to myself [in a perhaps-subconscious attempt to keep my mood light] that she would almost certainly call during the game. First game of the NBA regular season, of course she'll call. I talked to my brother, and even cracked a joke: "If that bitch calls during the game, I really am going to be done." It was a joke, but as it slipped out of my mouth, I felt it hurt. Perhaps I felt that it really was over.
She didn't call during the game. She called well after I had given up on hearing her voice. We talked, and we yelled, and we fought. I begged for forgiveness and she gave it to me. She just said she couldn't deal with "this" anymore. I never did ask her to clarify. I'm sure I could guess. We ended up getting away from the arguing and talked like civil adults for a few rough minutes. She wants to be my friend, and I'm not sure I can do that.
But here I am. Trying. And I don't just want to be the kind of "friend" that you catch up with every few months. I want to be the friend that I was before we hooked up. Before we ever dated, we had a wonderful friendship. We grew so close, despite mostly interacting through text messages. She would text me a "good morning" every single morning, and as soon as I'd get up, we'd talk all day until she went to bed again. We'd talk about anything and everything. I miss that. I miss the unattached friendship.
Don't get me wrong. I miss her as a lover as well. Of course I do. But that's not the rough part. The rough part is this cloud of doubt telling me that we can never be such good friends again. God, it sucks. I don't even feel sad or depressed. Just numb. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I don't really feel anything. I hope this isn't what she's going through. She needs to smile. She needs to be the person I robbed from the world for such a brief time.
Me? I need to focus on growing as a person. She opened me up and brought out a person I didn't know existed in me. I like this person. But this person isn't someone I'm used to. It scares me. I LIKED being a cynical dickhead. I liked not caring about anything. I think I fell so fast and so hard for her because passion isn't something I'm used to. Not on that kind of level. I pretend that I'm passionate about things, and I suppose I am about some things.
I've never been passionate the way I was [am?] about her. For a short period of time, I lived to watch her smile. The way her eyes would light up when we'd talk would melt my heart. I don't want to keep listing all of those little things. I feel so numb, but thinking about those things will make me want her again, which leads to being depressed that I can't have her.
I want to be her friend. A real friend. Someone she talks to all the time. Someone she comes to when she needs help. I rarely get what I want, but maybe the pieces will fit this time. Only time will tell.
Maurissa and I broke up. I felt it coming for a while before it happened, but I figured it was just me being insecure. The other morning, I got so irrationally angry at something so small and petty that I just told her that we were done. I wrote her something longer explaining my position, but the instant I sent it, I started to panic. I didn't want this to be over. I certainly didn't want it to be over through a text message, but the damage was done. I tried saying I was sorry, but I gave her space and time to think about it.
Later in the day, I thought to myself [in a perhaps-subconscious attempt to keep my mood light] that she would almost certainly call during the game. First game of the NBA regular season, of course she'll call. I talked to my brother, and even cracked a joke: "If that bitch calls during the game, I really am going to be done." It was a joke, but as it slipped out of my mouth, I felt it hurt. Perhaps I felt that it really was over.
She didn't call during the game. She called well after I had given up on hearing her voice. We talked, and we yelled, and we fought. I begged for forgiveness and she gave it to me. She just said she couldn't deal with "this" anymore. I never did ask her to clarify. I'm sure I could guess. We ended up getting away from the arguing and talked like civil adults for a few rough minutes. She wants to be my friend, and I'm not sure I can do that.
But here I am. Trying. And I don't just want to be the kind of "friend" that you catch up with every few months. I want to be the friend that I was before we hooked up. Before we ever dated, we had a wonderful friendship. We grew so close, despite mostly interacting through text messages. She would text me a "good morning" every single morning, and as soon as I'd get up, we'd talk all day until she went to bed again. We'd talk about anything and everything. I miss that. I miss the unattached friendship.
Don't get me wrong. I miss her as a lover as well. Of course I do. But that's not the rough part. The rough part is this cloud of doubt telling me that we can never be such good friends again. God, it sucks. I don't even feel sad or depressed. Just numb. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of tears, but I don't really feel anything. I hope this isn't what she's going through. She needs to smile. She needs to be the person I robbed from the world for such a brief time.
Me? I need to focus on growing as a person. She opened me up and brought out a person I didn't know existed in me. I like this person. But this person isn't someone I'm used to. It scares me. I LIKED being a cynical dickhead. I liked not caring about anything. I think I fell so fast and so hard for her because passion isn't something I'm used to. Not on that kind of level. I pretend that I'm passionate about things, and I suppose I am about some things.
I've never been passionate the way I was [am?] about her. For a short period of time, I lived to watch her smile. The way her eyes would light up when we'd talk would melt my heart. I don't want to keep listing all of those little things. I feel so numb, but thinking about those things will make me want her again, which leads to being depressed that I can't have her.
I want to be her friend. A real friend. Someone she talks to all the time. Someone she comes to when she needs help. I rarely get what I want, but maybe the pieces will fit this time. Only time will tell.
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