I've been incredibly social lately. I've been hanging out with friends nearly every night and having a great time. I've been drinking less than I expected, which is good. Shows I do have some impulse control. I've been having a great time. I've been reconnecting with people that I've neglected. It's nice that they haven't told me to go away. It's been nice.
Except, it's a mask. It's a lie. I am legitimately afraid to stay at home and stay in my head. I'm scared of what I might do if I am left to my own devices. I've suffered so much loss in this last month. I lost a friend. I lost a pet I've had for 12 years. I've lost my Grandpa. And because of that, I'm lost. I was blessed to live 23 years without suffering a real loss, and then it's all just dropped on me, on my family. I have to look strong so my family can cry. But I'm not strong. I walk around in a haze. I feel numb, I feel like I need to just cry. But I can't.
If I were alone in this situation, I would have swallowed the barrel already. But I have to be strong.
