Daddy:
My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things: How to make a fist, and how to use that fist to bring bodily harm. In the last few years, I've distanced myself from the guy I used to be. I'd get into fights. I'd look for fights. That's not really me anymore. I've decided to walk more on the side of nonviolence. Last night, I felt like that guy again. I went to the bar and some asshole knocked my beer out of my hand. I shoved him and was so ready to just beat the shit out of him. My brother calmed me down, got me another beer, and we went outside. The guy who did it came out with a round of shots for us. He wasn't looking for a fight, he was just having a good time and bumped into me. He was a pretty cool guy. Something awoke in me last night. I just wanted to hit, and get hit. I wanted to feel the rush and the pain. I wanted to feel someone break under my fist. I look at it now, and realize how misguided I was. I don't want that at all. I never want to feel that again. Because it feels good. And it scares me that it feels good. It makes me sick. My good-for-nothing father only taught me two things. I wish I could unlearn them both.
Hiatus:
I'm going to stop drinking. Probably for only a week. I'm passionate about beer. Drinking it, making it, talking about it, thinking about it... I love beer. But the last few nights, I've just gone out and gotten wasted. I know that it is a bad path. I've been here before. I know that it ends with nothing but illness and alcoholism. So, I have to stop, take some time and be sober. I need to have a clear head right now, because drinking it all away only makes it last longer. I've been trying to get out of my head, but I need to buckle down and tackle these issues.
Also have to stop drinking because I'm sick and tired of going to the shop and seeing all that God-forsaken Pumpkin bullshit. Fuck pumpkin.
All that said: I want to get back into brewing. Maybe make something with Sarah. I had an idea recently to brew a new-world beer with old-world brewing techniques. She loves the old-world techniques, and she makes interesting beer and mead. Maybe we can collaborate to make a truly unique beer. I'm excited at the prospect.
Hermit:
It's funny: I like being alone. People think it's weird that I don't go out much or don't go to parties. I hate social gatherings. I really do. Even if it's 20 people that I adore, put them in a room, and I hate them all. Except now, all I want to do is go out and hang out with people. I want to get out of the house and do things. I haven't had a night alone in a week. I'm having a good time. I'm sure it'll all come crashing down, and I'll end up being a hermit again. I am just so blessed. I don't have many friends, especially in Norfolk, but the ones I do have are always right there to hang out with. Maybe they can sense that I probably shouldn't be alone right now. I'm just so thankful for them, and I have a shitty way of showing it. I need to make it a point, even when I go back into hermit mode, to go out more often. Amanda is one of my closest, dearest friends. On average, I think I see her 4 times a year or so. It's unfathomable, considering she lives 15 minutes away. I need to go see her more.
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