- Cut Maurissa out of my life.
- Try to be friends with Maurissa.
This seems like a perfectly natural thing to do, for me anyway. If I cut her out of my life, my recovery will be faster. It will be easier, and I will be able to move on and stop feeling so shitty all the time. There isn't much to say about it, really. It's the easy way to do things. What should I care? She's leaving anyway. First, back home to NoVa, and then New York or LA after that. Being her friend only leads to her leaving.
Option Two: Try To Be Friends With Maurissa
This is the hard one. It's not so natural for me. This one will hurt. She wants to be friends. She wants me to be able to hang out and just act normal. That is not comfortable for me. She doesn't understand that seeing her will break my heart. That seeing her, and interacting with her will just constantly remind me why I fell in love with her in the first place. But there is an upside. If I step out of my comfort zone, I could potentially end up with a life-long, invaluable friend. I don't know why being friends has to be a long-term detriment. I don't know why I keep telling myself that being her friend in the long term just ends badly.
I think I want to try to be her friend. I think what I'm scared of is that the friendship doesn't work out. I don't know if I can handle losing her again. I don't know if I can handle working so hard for something that doesn't pan out. I don't know if I can handle any of this. It's just so confusing. I'm not used to being confused. I have an answer for everything.
But since I don't, I've turned to my friends. They aren't very helpful at all. Most of them tell me that I should try to be her friend. What's the harm in one more friend? But they don't really understand me. They don't understand how hard it is for me. Hell, Maurissa doesn't understand how hard it is for me, and no amount of explaining is helping her. In fact, it's just annoying her. She just wants me to be me. The problem is, I'm having a hard time remembering who I am, or at least who she thinks I am. Who she wants me to be. Should I be the "don't give a fuck" Christopher that was friends with her before we dated? Or should I be the "sweet, caring, rough around the edges" Christopher that she brought out? Both of those are part of me, but they exist separate from one another. I can't be both, and I don't know if I can be the second version anymore. I don't know if she ever really enjoyed the first version. She pushed me to change, which I think was a flaw. I should have noticed immediately when she pushed me. She wanted me to quit smoking, understandably. She wanted me to dress nicer and be more open and honest. I did the second half of that, I guess. Look where it got me?
I want to be her friend, because she's a genuinely awesome person. I really do care about her, even outside of the romance. I want to see her grow and reach her potential and be the amazing woman I know she can be.
I just don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can handle watching her life unfold from the sidelines.
I think, in her own way, she's hurting too. I think she is having trouble with all of this, but she won't tell me. She won't be honest about it. She wants to make it seem so natural for her. From lover to friend. That really bothers me. It makes me feel like what we had wasn't real to her.
And I don't think she understands how I work as a "friend". Everyone I call a friend, and that list is short, I consider a close, personal friend. I can't just be her friend in the capacity of just having small talk every once in a while. I can't just be her friend and get lunch once a month and "catch up" on the petty details of our lives. If I'm someone's friend, it means that I'm there. I'm there through Hell and back. I don't think she can reciprocate that. Shit, she gets annoyed or bored and stops sending text messages, for fuck's sake.
I don't know if I can handle being her friend. But most of all, I don't know if she can handle being MY friend.
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