Superpowered Feelings

My Superpower:

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and she told me I had a superpower.  The way I understand people and the way I am conscious of relationship dynamics really impressed her.  I've always been told through conversation and pop-culture that people are complicated.  People are constantly confused by their peers.  They don't seem to understand other peoples' motives and have a hard time deciphering lies.  People have a hard time understanding defense mechanisms and when they're being used.

Except:  I understand these things.  I have always been a very observant person, and it would surprise you [whoever you are] how easy people are to understand if you just pay attention.  It's not just body language, but understanding shifting tones in someone's voice.  Seeing the way their eyes shift.  The way they structure sentences and statements.  Which questions they ask, and when they're deflecting a conversation.  A lot of people prefer to have serious conversations in person, because that makes it easier to SEE lies and defense mechanisms.  That doesn't matter to me.  I know when people are lying to me even if we're just texting.  I know when people are using defense mechanisms.

It's really hard to explain.  My aforementioned friend told me that she loves talking to me because I have great insight.  She told me that I seem to have life experience far past my years.  I don't know if that's true, but I just GET people.

There is a downside to this super-power though.  It makes it incredibly hard to sustain meaningful relationships.  My longest relationship with a woman lasted less than 6 months.  I have a revolving door of personal relationships with friends.  I've known my closest friends for roughly 4 years.  I have a few childhood friends, but they're basically just acquaintances at this point.  This happens because I know when I'm being lied to.  I know when my friends are bullshitting me.

This superpower makes me an insufferable prick.  I have to pick and choose when a lie is a big enough deal to get upset with.  It would surprise you how much people actually lie.  Mostly just little white lies.  Not meant to cause harm.  Not meant to hurt anyone.  I've never met someone who was completely honest with me, and that makes it hard for me to be social.  People wonder why I'm a hermit?  It's because I hate being around people.  I hate having to smile and nod through bullshit.  I hate having friends who tell a thousand lies a minute.

I wish, every single day, that I wasn't so observant.  I wish, every single day, that I could be more oblivious.  I would swallow kryptonite if it would kill this part of me.  It's nearly impossible for me to trust people.  And when I do trust someone, it's a shallow trust.  I trust them not to be dishonest about things that matter.  I can see through people's thin-veils, and I wish every day that I couldn't.  I hate seeing people struggle with other people.  I hate that I know I shouldn't tell my friends when they're being played, because they prefer to live in a world where they don't see the manipulative and deceiving nature of others.  I wish I couldn't see these things.  I wish I didn't know when people close to me where lying or deflecting conversation to avoid telling me the secret that I'd already deduced.  I fucking hate it.


How Am I Supposed To Feel?

Just a quick rant about something that's been pissing me off lately:  I'm tired of people telling me how I should feel right now, and how I should act.  I'm tired of people telling me that I should cut Maurissa out of my life.  I'm tired of people telling me that it's stupid to try to be her friend.  I wish I had someone that was just willing to listen, instead of spout off bullshit.  I'm tired of people telling me that we didn't date for very long, and that it's stupid that I'm as down as I am.  I know we didn't date for long, but I've known her for about a year, and we've been close for quite a while.  People don't understand that I don't hurt because we broke up.  I hurt because our friendship isn't the same as it was, and probably never will be.  I hurt because I listened to my dick instead of my brain.  I don't regret what I had with Maurissa, but I think I would trade it for the friendship I've lost.

People need to stop telling me what to do.  I need to navigate this on my own.  I don't open up because I want advice or for people to hate Maurissa.  I open up, because Maurissa convinced me that bottling all this raw emotion would be bad for me.  I open up, because shoving it all down turns me into a powder keg, ready to blow.  I have to be open.  I suppose I just need to find someone that I can be open with.